Chapter 5: Disillusioned and Distressed - October 1940 to December 1940

This chapter is a heavy one, showing things getting more desperate and drastic. The mental toll is beginning to ramp up, and so is the war.

The title of this chapter is very apt, as the language Granny uses, how she writes, what words she uses and how she uses - grows more and more jaded, if that's an accurate term.

Everything continues to become just another day. Just another experience. She jumps so abruptly from talking about air raid warnings to buying a new coat. It makes everything seem so banal.

Everything Granny writes continues to be very matter-of-fact, something that I picked up from her in my own written and verbal style.
I don't know if she was just trying to get things down in case the next moment would be her last, as she has written about in previous entries.

Maybe it was that. Maybe it was just how she was raised. More likely it was a bit of both? I wish I had known about this diary while she was still alive.

The questions I'd have had for her would've been countless.

At the beginning of the war I realised we must all face death but it was in the vague future, and it would be a glorious sacrifice made in the heat of battle.

When I heard of our first casualty among the ‘Old Boys of the School’ I was rapidly
disillusioned because in December Ronald W. Baker died in Army barracks, a victim of pneumonia.
Immediately there welled up in my memory those other soldiers rolled in their blankets in the cold and wet fields.

When Gertie and Frances recovered from their initial shock they talked to us about the real war.
In London shops reduced to smouldering ruins, hospitals wrecked by bombs and cinemas riddled with bullets.
Even in their basement they could hear the incessant roar of the guns and rumbling of collapsing buildings.
Some people who have Anderson shelters can’t use them because the door opening is so small the large ladies cannot get through.
Many historic buildings are totally destroyed and others so badly damaged they are beyond repair.

Since land mines arrive by parachute they didn’t hear it coming but in an earlier raid they were terrified to go out in the morning because the previous night they heard a rushing sound of something hurtling through the air followed by a terrific crash and tinkling of breaking glass.
They thought it was an unexploded bomb landing in their front area but when they eventually ventured outside they found a London telephone kiosk lying against their front wall. It had been blown from a nearby corner.

There are still some children in London and one is their neighbour’s fourteen year old son.
When the raids first started he was surprised to find that everybody was expected to carry on as usual, which for him meant going to school each morning.

One morning he thought at last his schooldays were over because on turning the last corner he saw his school was a heap of rubble.
On approaching for a closer inspection he found a blackboard propped up in the rubble with the unmistakeable writing of his Headmaster telling him to report to another school.

As he trudged off to find the other place he thought “Oh well the school is no more but my Headmaster is still alive and in charge.”

October 24th
We have a letter from Gordon and in it he says Mabel’s father is dead.

We are not having so many raids in the day time so I am getting some Physics and Chemistry practical completed.
We are getting in plenty of orchestra practices and the Dramatic Club has started again.
At last I have sorted out my piano part. I thought that my timing was the same as the violins but they have demi-semi-quavers and I have semi-quavers, so small wonder I could never catch up with them!

Mr Callard tried to drum it into me by beating time across my shoulders with his baton.
From now on perhaps Schubert’s Rosamunde will sound a little more like its composer intended.
We have choir again and I like the new songs because I can sing the alto without much difficulty. ‘Rolling Down to Rio’ is great fun with its rollicking rhythm but my favourite is ‘Orpheus with his lute made trees’.
It has a lovely flowing slow melody and the other work is the ‘Skye Boat Song’ which I have done before so that is no trouble.

The siren goes regularly at 7.15 p.m. now so perhaps we can throw away our clock.

October 25th
They were very busy last night. There are three bombers down at Sanderstead. The
target was probably Kenley aerodrome but it could have been the Croydon Gas Works.

We have had three very long raids today too, just as I thought I was getting some work done in school.

October 26th
This morning I had made some very good acetone before the warning went at 10.45 a.m. then they were around on and off until 2.35 p.m.
At least we haven’t yet had a power cut. In that event the warning will be given by the wardens rushing round ringing hand bells.

I went to East Grinstead this afternoon to buy a new coat. There was not much choice but I was lucky to find one that fits me fairly well.
I have sent to the ‘Woman’ magazine for a special offer of huckaback towels to embroider. I didn’t need any coupons for them.

October 29th
They are still coming in daylight as well as every night and Miss Stone has decided to close the Sunday School until things improve.

They managed to hit our railway line and so we’ve had delays getting to and from school. The juniors are staying at home but I am cycling.
We have had some lessons in the corridors but Taffy does not let us stay for the afternoons now.
Mum is pleased to see me home early, as Crowhurst seems to be a favourite spot for dumping bombs and I cycle through that way because it is the shortest route and the lanes are so narrow that I only encounter an odd farm waggon.

I went to the vicarage today to ask for a reference to go with my London University
application. I need two and the other one has to be from the Headmaster.
On my way home from the vicarage there were some bombs at the Blue Anchor.
When they mentioned it on the 9 p.m. news at first I did not know they were talking about that because they pronounced Blindley Heath in such a funny way. They made the ‘i’ sound in Blindley as in ‘sin’ instead of as in ‘sign’.

November 3rd
We’ve had quite a bit of rain lately and it seems to keep the raiders at home. Mr
Callard gave us a piano concert of Grieg when we had orchestra practice.
We even had one night without the sirens.

When I went up the village this afternoon Mr Whibley had kept a box of Spartan Chocolates under the counter for Mum.
It has used all our sweet coupons but it will be a treat for her as they are her favourite chocolates and we thought that the Terrys factory at York was out of production.

Mabel has been to tea with us.

November 5th
I’ve just realised it is Bonfire Night but the only fireworks will be provided courtesy of the war.
I hope the Lingfield bonfire boys and girls have packed their costumes away safely so that we can enjoy the celebrations again when this is all over.

I’ve lost my propelling pencil today in the scramble to get into the bottom corridor. Lead pencils are a job to find at the moment and I have a packet of refills for it so I must find it.

Marguerite Charman is going to play a violin solo on Speech Day and she has asked me to accompany her on the piano.

November 9th
In my hurry to turn off bunsens and get the flasks in the fume cupboard I managed
to spill some sulphuric acid on my hand and it has been very painful but today I have managed to play hockey as we were playing Tenchleys in a house match.
We managed to beat them and I scored three goals.
Mr Callard (who is a Tenchleys house master) congratulated me and he is hoping we can win the Girls Games cup this year.

We’ve had a letter from Gordon and he has passed his final examinations. He says Alan Jarret is coming on leave so perhaps Alan will come into school to see us.

November 10th
While I was at school yesterday Gordon arrived home on leave.
He looks well and was thrilled to hear we beat Whyteleafe 4-0 and I got three of the goals.

Today Ethel has been to visit us from Selsdon. Every house except theirs in the road has been destroyed and her house has holes in the roof and all the windows broken. So another raid will bring it crashing down around their ears.

Gordon tells me how much my letters mean. In their camp there were no radios or newspapers so all the other chaps used to gather round to hear the news when my letters arrived.
Barbara and I have been trying on his flying kit. Barbara completely disappeared inside the enormous fur collar on the jacket.
The fur lined trousers are designed to lie flat by a cunning pair of zip fasteners.
The leather boots are fur lined and he has three pairs of gloves.
The inner pair are made of silk and then there is a woollen pair which form a tight fit but outside go a huge pair of leather gauntlets.

We have all been to church this afternoon and Gordon thinks my organ playing is great.

We walked through the fields to the station to meet Mabel who came to tea.

November 15th
I got up early this morning so that I could catch the 7.50 a.m. train with Gordon and travel with him as far as Oxted.
He told me to remember when I stop the engines [at the ‘Works’] to pull the belt over onto the loose pulley before applying the brake, as Dad is having to take the staples out of the belt on the pulley and move it over every time I forget to do it.

We have had a good time together and one day he came to school with me and spent quite a bit of time with Mr Callard and Mr Denholm. He has spent some time with Mabel too.

We played Grants at hockey today and lost 3-0. I have a black eye from stopping a ball that Kathleen Lawrence lofted.

It was Coventry’s turn to be plastered last night. On the news they reckoned about 500 tons of H.E.s and 30 tons of incendiaries were dropped there.
The citizens seem to be concerned about the loss of the Cathedral more than the 600 civilians that have been killed.

I am much more worried about the loss of human life than the destruction of historic or civic buildings.
I know some people feel that the buildings are our national heritage and can never be replaced but neither can a human life.
However insignificant a person may be there is always at least one other person who loves them.

November 19th
My eye is still pretty bad and I don’t get any sympathy from Mr Callard because he is still furious that Grants beat us.

While he was at home Gordon drew Granny Borer’s thatched cottage and our garden on my tapestry canvas and as I’ve managed to find some brick red wool I can start on the garden wall and the chimney.

It has been pouring with rain which is keeping the bombers away but the hockey match against Edenbridge has been cancelled because their pitch is under water.
I am sorry about that because they have never lost to a school team and I think that my team are good enough to beat them.

November 22nd
We haven’t had any raids today and I have managed to get a bit of work done in school.

On the way home I called in at Brock’s and found a writing case that I have bought for Gordon’s Christmas present.
Miss Morris has managed to reschedule our match against Edenbridge for tomorrow so I hope the fine weather stays with us.

When I was paying for the writing case there was a delivery and in it there were a few propelling pencils so I have bought one as the other one never turned up.

November 23rd
In spite of three air raids today we have played hockey and we have done it. We beat them 4-2.

As centre-forward I managed to get three of the goals but it is the team work that counts.
Doreen Bicknell was superb in goal and was well backed up by the two backs.
It is the halves that never get any rest backing us up when we are attacking and falling back to help the defence when they are hard pressed.
Enid Haley is a wonderful centre-half and she and I have a system of signals so that she knows exactly how I will play the centre bully each time.

November 28th
Gordon is home again. Mr Denholm met him on the train and when Mr Denholm arrived at school he told me Gordon was home for five days embarkation leave.
As I know he will be spending quite a bit of his time with Mabel I didn’t rush home but stayed for orchestra practice.

I played some of my Greig and Mr Callard wants me to play Papillon on Speech Day as a piano solo.

November 30th
We played Oxted Ladies today and won 7-1. Miss Morris plays left back for them but even she couldn’t keep us out because she has taught us so well.

There was quite a crowd of spectators on Master Park and amongst them Gordon and Mabel.

December 3rd
Gordon has gone but God was with me so I did not cry. He can remember me standing on Oxted station waving goodbye with a smile on my face.

Afterwards when I got to school I took the lab keys to have a good cry up there while Mr Callard played the hymn at assembly.

On Sunday Gordon came to early Holy Communion with me because we could sit together in the congregation as at that service we don’t have any music.
Half the congregation were in uniform and I was proud to have him kneeling next to me at the altar rail.

When we got outside he put on his ‘cheese-cutter’ (the dress uniform cap - at other times they wear a forage cap) and he did look so tall and handsome. I am not surprised Mabel is in love with him.
Gordon showed me the ring that he bought for her. I expect he gave it to her when she came to tea on Sunday.

He has taught me how to kick start the Velocette as he wants me to run the engine for him once a week while he is away.

December 6th
Today has been an awful day. We have had air raids. I couldn’t get my Chemistry analysis right, the Physics test was a disaster and when I arrived home Mum was waiting for me with an inquisition.

Some old biddy had told Dad in the village that Gordon and Mabel are engaged. I’m sure it is an educated guess because she has seen them about together so often. I am pleading ignorance as I really don’t know anything yet.

December 7th
Mum and Dad have got a letter from Gordon announcing his engagement. He say she will be sailing in about a fortnight but there will be no more leave because the boats just slip away when they think the U-boats are not around.

I have been to East Grinstead with Barbara to get some new clothes. We have put all our coupons together because she is growing so fast.
Mum told us to look for garments with long skirts and wide hems so that she can take them up and let them out later.

I have filled out application forms for Reading and Hull Universities today. Tomorrow Mabel is coming for tea and I’m sure we shall all be shown the ring and I shall be just as interested as everybody else.

December 14th
After the hockey match I had time to go to Suiters and get a passport photo taken,
as I have to send copies with my application forms.

It is Speech Day next week and I have got another awful cold.

December 18th
We broke up for the Christmas holidays but I’m not sure that I shall be coming back to school because things are getting very tight at home.

My scholarship takes care of my trainfares, school uniform and school dinners but Mrs. Chapman is offering me a well-paid job and it would be nice to earn a little more than half a crown a week which is what I earn at the moment as the Lab. Technician.

Blog note: An interesting detail that I thought maybe was just a mistake of formatting - Granny always places a full stop after the word "Lab" when referring to being a Lab Technician. 'Lab' of course is short for laboratory, and for whatever reason, Granny appears to have felt compelled to place a full stop to note this when using the term 'Lab Technician' as she has done so here.

I was turning over my prospects while I was brass cleaning at the church. Most of the cleaners are elderly, but they need a youngster to climb the steps to put back the cumbersome pieces.

The huge chandelier above the third Lord Cobham’s tomb needs a steady hand to replace all the seperate candle holders but I do enjoy seeing it fully lit on Christmas night which is the only time we have it alight now because they cannot get the special candles for it any more.

When I got in from church Bill Scott was waiting to see me. He is on leave from the Navy and he was telling me about his ship-mate who has lost all his family.
He and his only brother happened to finish up in their home port at the same time so a sympathetic Commander organised a hurried wedding for him and his fiancee of five years standing.
As both their ships had to put to sea as soon as the necessary repairs were completed, it was arranged for one of them to phone up Headquarters every hour.

A reception was quickly arranged at the bride’s home and all their friends and relatives, most of whom lived in Portsmouth, collected there for the celebrations.
At 7.00 p.m. it was the bridegroom’s turn to dash round the corner to the public telephone kiosk and ask for the latest information.

On turning the corner on his way back he was devastated to see that the house had received a direct hit. In spite of frantic efforts on the part of the Civil Defence nobody was dug out alive.

December 20th
A message came today to say Mr Binns has died. I have taken Mum up to be with
Mrs Binns. He died from a heart attack while cleaning the grocery delivery van.

December 23rd
It was the funeral today and I have looked after all the Binns grandchildren
because they all know me. I just don’t know what is going to happen to Mrs Binns now.

December 31st
I organised a Christmas party for the Sunday School children today but my heart
was not in it as I wonder what fresh disaster will strike.
It is the end of a year in which I have known sorrow and sadness and my one great hope is that soon we shall be given peace.